You know it's a rough neighborhood when even the birds have ankle monitors and pack a knife.

 

Here are some of the famous phrases our parents used to tell us that I guarantee we have passed on to our children...

 

1. My parents taught me about WAR.

"Your room looks like a bomb hit it."

 

2. My Parents taught me about RELIGION.

"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

 

3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you speak to me like that again,

I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

 

4. My parents taught me about SILENCE.

"Shut up and eat!."

 

5. My Parents taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

 

6. My parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world

who don't have wonderful parents like you."

 

7. My parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You're going to get it when we get home."

 

8. My parents taught me about ENERGY CONSERVATION.

"Shut that door... You weren't born in a barn?"

 

9. My parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"When you have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

10. My parents taught me about LOGIC.

"Because I said so, That's why."

 

11. My parents taught me about WASTE.

"You'll sit there until your plate is empty."

 

12. My parents taught me about IRONY.

"If you keep crying. I'll give you something to cry for."

 

13. My parents taught me about ENERGY CONSERVATION

"Turn the lights off, we don't live in Blackpool!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

 

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

 

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.