Joke Of The Day

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[DSTM]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, Muslims and all the other religions in the world."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

 

 

 

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

 

 

 

 

 

"It's like talking to a ****ing brick wall."

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[DSTM]

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[allheart55 Cindy E]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[DSTM]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR £20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK £100.'

A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn £100 and goes to the clinic.

LAWYER:

"I have lost my sense of taste."

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

LAWYER:

"Ugh. this is kerosene."

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me £20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

LAWYER:

"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

LAWYER: (annoyed):

"This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me £20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get £100.

LAWYER:

"My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this £100."

LAWYER: (staring at the note):

"But this is £20, not £100!!"

CHINESE DOCTOR

"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me £20"

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[DSTM]

A State Trooper was patrolling shortly before midnight off the main

highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly

glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer

look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer

magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her

fingernails.

 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks

to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers

his window.

 

'Uh, yes, Officer?'

 

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?

 

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the

trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

 

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

 

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple,

alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane .... and nothing inappropriate happening!

 

 

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

 

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

 

The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be

18 in 11 minutes...

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[Rachel]

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[plodr]

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[allheart55 Cindy E]

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[DSTM]

I like Garden Gnomes, but I will pass on these Gnomes.:down:

 

[allheart55 Cindy E]