Joke Of The Day

[DSTM]

Welcome to 2016

Here is the summary of our civilization at the end of 2015

This is - Priceless!!!

 

• Our Phones – Wireless

• Cooking – Fireless

• Cars – Keyless

• Food – Fatless

• Tires –Tubeless

• Youth – Jobless

• Leaders – Shameless

• Relationships – Meaningless

• Attitudes – Careless

• Babies – Fatherless

• Feelings – Heartless

• Children – Mannerless

 

We are - SPEECHLESS,

Government is - CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are - WORTHLESS!

 

And I'm scared – Shitless!

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[DSTM]

Just read this on another site. Gave me a laugh.:big_grin:

 

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH. THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

 

 

 

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

 

 

 

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

 

 

 

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" . SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

 

 

 

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

 

 

 

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[besen]

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a

couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

 

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean

and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is

in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot

breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,

eating.

 

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious,

broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and

gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and

so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when

she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone,

I'm married'!"

[allheart55 Cindy E]

Don't Shoot!

 

[Rachel]

[Rachel]

[allheart55 Cindy E]

Kittens free to a good home. Appear to be part Siamese.

I think they're feral and abandoned by their mama.

They are a little bitey and scared. They don't seem to purr.

 

 

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[Rachel]

[Rachel]

[DSTM]

It had to happen eventually.:big_ha: Edited March 12, 2016 by DSTM

[allheart55 Cindy E]

[DSTM]

Faith Restored in Humanity.

 

 

 

 

[DSTM]

Not a joke but thought worth posting.

 

[allheart55 Cindy E]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[DSTM]

Had to post this one. So cute.

 

[Rachel]

[Rachel]

[allheart55 Cindy E]