DSTM

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your ass." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?" The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served. The judge says would anyone like to say anything, and her husband says your honor, "She stole a can of peas too"

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said.... "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird shit?" "It was my first day with the hook."

Guy goes to the Council for a job. The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed forces?" Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? " "look mate, this is a council job.........for the first two hours we all sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that, is there?

Cannibals never eat Divorced Women. They taste too bitter.

You wonder what gets into peoples heads, to hurt a beautiful dog like JAX.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Hi Missygreta. The person in this link is a Cat behavior specialist, and a lot of good reading. What works for my cats, may not work for yours, as they are all different. Your cat sounds very stressed to me. Is it ever let out? A cats natural environment is not locked up in a house all the time. I have one that gets quite stressed. I take my cat out in the garden for 20 mins each day at round the same time. My cat comes back in completely calm, relaxed and goes to sleep. Every day around the same time, she meows and lets us know it's time for her stroll in the garden. I hope you can find an answer to your cats behavior. Cats are natural hunters, and my guess your cat is pretending her toys are prey. How to Stop Play Aggression in Cats

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line. I can tell you, I nearly shit her pants.

My dog ran off and I can't find him. The wife said "look harder" So I shaved my head and got a tattoo I still can't find him!

You would need a PDF editor, N3